Annoyed

I hate querying. I hate putting myself out there. I hate that the numbers are incredibly stacked against me and there's little to no chance that an agent even reads my submission, let alone reads it and makes a full request. 

I hate that someone, some stranger, has so much power over my life and my dream. I hate not having control. I hate that I'm questioning being good enough to self publish but knowing I need an editior and I just hate this process. I hate that because of some stranger my work, my soul, is in a slush pile. That I could self publish but then just end up ignored in the abyss of Amazon. 

I hate that I know I won't feel this was worthwhile or successful until an agent, some stranger, actually takes notice and a chance. I hate that writing my novel felt like I was in a dream, a good dream, a movie even, and now I just feel upset and disgruntled and disenchanted. I wrote my novel because I had to. Something came over me, a story came over me, and I had to get it out. It's a deep, multilayered story that's really good, I know it is. I hate this post novel wasteland of doubt and anger and annoyance and frustration. This sad void where I depend on strangers. I depended on me to get my story out, to write again after twelve goddamn years, to lift myself up and now some stranger geta to willy-nilly throw my dreams away? What a joke.

I am all for being an optimist and searching for any shred of a silver lining but honestly? Fuck this.

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