Autistic Complaint

I might make this a blog about autism. Since finding out who I really am, I've been equal parts relieved and pissed off. I was/am thrilled to know why I am the way I am. To have a word to explain me. On the other hand, I'm fucking burnt out, and some days I'd give anything to be a normie.

My major headache is being understood. I wish I could just shed the shit that upsets me, but I can't. I have to analyze everything to death and make it personal and make it upset me. Think I'm annoying here? Try being inside my head. 

More often than not, I'm exasperated with why I'm so misunderstood. Not in the stupid emo woe is me way, but in the why are my words always taken the exact wrong way? Everything I say to everyone gets misconstrued, or it's assumed I'm being mean. But why? I'm only ever intentionally mean when I talk about abusive family members or insurrectionist pieces of shit. Otherwise, mean is not me. But even just regular things I say apparently make no sense. I feel like I say, "The sky is blue," and everyone hears, "The ocean is yellow!" But when I try and over-explain, that seems to make it worse. I can't joke either. When I think I'm joining in on light teasing, I apparently come off as mean or that I'm a poor sport. Why? Why is it okay if a normie jokes around? Why do they make sense and not me? I'm not looking for pity; I want a straightforward explanation!

There's also that fucking sense of justice that's a significant indication of autism. How no one noticed I'm autistic based on this fact alone is beyond me. That might be the worst part of being autistic: the relentless, all-consuming obsession with justice. Don't get me wrong, I want to care about justice, we should all care about justice, but I care to the point of it hurting, and it's fucking exhausting. 

My boomer parents used to yell at me that life isn't fair any time I'd point out an issue. I was yelled at to get over it. I remember being about 11 and learning about the bullshit that is a statute of limitations. It was on the news, something about a woman wanting to press charges on a man for something horrible, but her time to do so had expired. I wanted to vomit. I asked my dad if I was really understanding this atrocity correctly. I had tears in my eyes when he told me I was. In hysterics, I demanded why this was a thing. He shrugged and said if they didn't limit things like this, everyone would pursue damages/charges when they were able/brave enough to, etc. Okay?? Anyone committing crimes should be charged! A sense of justice or doing the right thing shouldn't have a goddamn time stamp. 

I was livid and disgusted, and my dad just shrugged and said I'd understand better when I was an adult. Whelp, I'm pushing forty, and this thought still makes me want to retch. 

What about people who beg for money, claiming they're poor, then posting lavish things they've bought. Why is that acceptable? Why are these fuckwads a part of my life? Why isn't cutting out horrible people more acceptable? Shouldn't we be striving to make life better, to take care of mental health? Isn't it justice to leave behind those like that? 

Are any other autistics just aching? Tired from the misinterpretations/caring too much? Sometimes, I'm all proud to be autistic, and some days, well...













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