Author of the novel WHEN YOU LOSE CONTROL

Because of course she is.  I thought, for like five minutes, She was gone for good. She should be gone since she said your life didn't matter. Remember?  She actually said that.  But she's back.  Because of course she is.  The obsession with her, The memory, Mean more than my ache.  Her presence is always here. It's down the hill, Where we eat, And in the living room. Her vile things are my telltale heart  She taints everything.  Everyone close to you fucking hates her. Everyone points out that she's a user. A selfish pile of 'human' garbage.  But here she is! "I just said, 'Hi.'" No, you just invited her back in, But the welcome mat was never gone. Because she's never left.  She's the shadows, the tears.  She's my ghost, my problem.  She's the organs buried not in floor boards but sitting in a box. It drives me crazy. Fucking crazy. Can't you have some self respect? Can't you see how much she hurts me? Do you care? She&

 "I don't know what it is like to not have deep emotions. Even when I feel nothing, I feel it completely." -Sylvia Plath It's the nauseously repeated story of I can't keep up because I'm autistic. It's the shock at the accusal that I care about shit that doesn't matter. It's the putting on a fake smile because not showing my best side at all times leads to fights. Dismissals. It's the probably stupid at this juncture in my life shock (should  all that be hyphenated?) of trying so hard and putting in so much effort that no one appreciates. What did I expect? I put my heart and soul into a job, and it's either ignored or exploited, or I'm told point-blank that it doesn't matter. And people get mad that I feel bad for doing something for naught. Why am I the bad guy here? I love the Twilight Zone, but I didn't want to live in the fucking thing!  It's what feels like a noose, the constant constant of being misunderstood. I expla

Gaslit at her convenience Because it's her She's everywhere, everyday Her slimy sludge has stuck But why her? And never the others before her? The others were important at a time, no? It's her. Always.  At my inconvenience No amount of begging or tears  Has made the cockroach go I'm dismissed Told it's in my head or not that bad Crushed with utter invalidation  An evil that's said twice it doesn't value your life Twice. Once was bad enough to imagine But I've watched it happen Twice. So I cry and feel like trash Try to rinse Repeat. 

Almost nothing pisses me off more than tardiness. It is so rude. It tells others that you have no respect for their time. It tells others that your time is more valuable than theirs. It is such dickish behavior. And fine, sometimes shit comes up where you're going to be late due to circumstances out of your control. So fucking text, call, email, messenger pigeon, etc the person(s) you're going to be late meeting. That is the least, most basic, politeness 101, thing you can do. Don't be an asshole. 

The cockroach that won't die. It was stupid to believe she was gone. None of her abhorrent behavior has been the proverbial straw, so why would her worst, most selfish, and evil behavior be?  She is the dog shit on the bottom of the shoe that won't go away no matter how many times you wash it. The evil dictator wannabe who still has followers despite racism and too many despicable traits to list. It's like when people keep chain-smoking despite cancer, insisting it's not the cigarette. It fucking is. It's offensively ridiculous to say otherwise. And that's what it is with her. And how it'll always be.  I'm stuck with her. She taints and poisons everything. Fucking everything, and here she remains. No amount of her inhuman and villainous behavior will knock her off her pathetic throne. The choice has been made and it's her. Again. Always. 

When someone uses you, why do you let them? When someone shows you constantly that they don't give a shit about you, why do you accept this? When the people who love you most point out that this person is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated, why don't you believe them? Why?  I have cried, and raged. A lot. I can't believe how much I have cried over this person, that you keep defending. I have begged you to see reason. Your friends have begged you to see reason. I have received nothing by gaslighting. Why?  This person has given me four nightmares, and is constantly my invasive thoughts. I have sat here, not quietly, and begged for this absolutely disgusting nightmare to stop. And it keeps going. Why? In a critical hour when you 'needed' this person the most, they gave you utter disregard. Will I still be gaslit after that incident? Probably.  Why?